The other week I was talking to a couple of my female friends, when one said to the other one “You’re so fuckin’ pretty. I bet you don’t even have to suck dick!” That shit just blew me away. Is there a level of hotness where you just don’t have to do that any more? Because my girl’s gorgeous… And I’m going to end that statement right there before she never does that for me again.
And what’s this “have to” crap? I’ve never gone up to an ugly girl and said “Alright, I’ll date you, but you better be slobbering on my knob 10, 15 times a day.” And is there a sliding scale here? Is it that the uglier you are, the MORE dick you have to suck? Because I’ve seen some girls that are ugly as fuck, and if that’s the case, they should have some guy’s balls just grafted onto their chins and suck dick 24/7 to pay pennance for their ugly faces. And what about gay guys? They seem absolutely ecstatic about sucking dick. And some of them are some damn pretty fellows.
Does the opposite apply to straight guys? “Dude, you’re so handsome, I bet you never have to chow the box like it’s Alpo in a can.” I just couldn’t picture ever hearing somebody saying that to anyone. How about lesbians? They could say the lesbian in question is either so pretty OR so handsome they don’t have to tongue-clean the jelly jar.All that being said, since apparently if you’re good looking enough, your obligation to perform oral sex has been fulfilled by your radiant aesthetic appearance, I’d like to raise my glass to all the beautiful people out there who still go down, even though it’s not required. And also to all the uglies and fatties who’ve just gotten REALLY good at it because apparently, they DID have to. Cheers.
